Relationship Rant :-P

Sometimes I see people in a relationship that is very obviously BAD for them but they remain in it “because I love them” or “I know they care about me deep down”. ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME?! Playing the love card in these relationships is like telling the world that you should be hit in the head with a ball peen hammer, REPEATEDLY!

If they REALLY loved you they would not be procreating with anything with a pulse, or treating you like you were single-handedly responsible for the holocaust. If you hear the phrase, “I did not mean to sleep with him/her, it just happened”, you better jump ship faster then the rats on the Titanic!

Since most of us don’t really know what to avoid, I will give you a brief run down.

Ladies, if a guy does ANY of the following, kick him in his special place as hard as humanly possible, and proceed to the nearest exit:

- Wears a flat-billed baseball cap backwards/sideways.

- Uses enough gel to choke a walrus when he spikes his hair.

- Wears his polo, or other shirts, with the collar popped.

- Throws up a sideways peace sign.

- Uses the word “Bro” in every sentence he utters. Example “Bro’s before Ho’s” or “That’s Tom, he is my Bro”

- Has been to the tanning salon more times then George Hamilton.

- Does any of the following when his picture is being taken: pointing at himself, holds up beer cans, or makes any other immature gesture.

- Grows a goatee because, “Hey it made Spencer Pratt cool, should work for me!”

- Refers to himself in the third person or adds extensions like "The" or "-ster" to his name. Example “The Mike” or “The Mikester”

These are all classic signs of the species known as the “Douchebag”. Douchebaggery should be avoided at ALL costs, and if humanly possible, these creatures should be gathered into a group and systematically sterilized.

You should also avoid any guy who:

- Insists that only they are right.

- Keeps the majority of their brain cells below their waist line.

- Treats others around him like sh*t.

- Is in any other way obnoxious, arrogant, or self-centered.

If you continually give these men attention, they will hump your leg like the dogs they are until they find the next conquest, and then they will drop you quicker then Obama’s approval rating.

Now don’t get me wrong. I am not a man-hating, dried up, old spinster. Nor am I in the habit of man bashing. So this is the part of my rant for the fella’s. By nature, I love men. And women like the following piss me off cause they give ALL women a bad wrap. Guys should run screaming if their woman does any of the following:


- Feels the need to emasculate you on a daily basis then carry your testicles around in her purse or a jar.

- Whines excessively for any reason, good or not.

- Makes leaps that even Evel Knievel would not attempt. Example “You lied to me about quitting smoking, you must be banging your secretary.”

- Measures your love on the amount of carats in the diamond bracelet you give her.

- Is often referred to as “The Ice Queen” or a raging bitch.

- Sleeps with everyone but YOU.

- Makes you look like a complete moron in front of everyone.

- Starts to talk about marriage and having babies on the first date.

- Would rather have bamboo shoved under her fingernails then spend any quality time with you.

- Asks for a copy of your bank statement before the relationship can progress

- Any girl that can be described as: skanky, slutty, whorish, easy, skeezy, loose, or who most men place the slang term “hoochie” on.

Men, if any of these women, commonly known as bitches or hoes, approaches you, remain calm, pick up a Zima, and tell her you are batting for the other team. The worse that will happen is she will want your opinion on whether her shoes and purse are a match.


Now that we all have a little more understanding on what we should avoid when looking for a partner, please, for the love of God, DON’T flock to these abominations. If you do, and then you feel the need to complain when you have to start picking out your ribbons for your hand-basket to hell, I will be the first in line to kick you in the forehead with my size 9 boot and inform you of just how big a wanker you are.